On Wednesday, I received a call to sub for a fellow cantor from church who was sick. She needed me for the Saturday mass and I told her, “No problem!” Upon calling the organist to let her know I would be singing instead and to ask when we could get together to practice, I found out she would also not be able to play that mass. I then called the Music Liturgy Director to let her know about the changes that were going on and to see who would be the organist for that mass. It turned out that no one was available so the director asked if I could do it a cappella. Luckily, I had already practiced with another organist for the 9:30am mass and was a little bit more prepared than the last time I ended up as an a cappella cantor (a story for another time.)
My fellow cantor called me this morning to ask about rehearsing for tonight. I let her know the situation and she remarked that God knew she would not be able to handle that and set up for me to be the cantor. I didn’t think much about it. Tonight, on my way to the church, I was feeling nervous and I prayed, “Lord, I am not strong enough, please give me your strength and support!” I arrived at the church and one of the first people I saw was the Music Liturgy Director’s daughter who was the sacristan for the evening (and also a flautist with a beautiful voice.) I put up the hymn numbers and then heard my phone buzzing. I took it outside and it was my fellow cantor again. She asked if I would like her to come be there for me as support. I answered rather non-committally (mainly because I really do have a hard time asking for help or showing weakness,) thanked her and hung up and went in to practice so I could hear the melodies in my head.
After practicing, I went into the vestibule to talk to the Deacon and apprise him of the lack of organist. I turned around and there was my friend and fellow cantor. Just seeing her made me feel better! We went back in the church to await the beginning of mass. More people were coming in and another fellow musician walked in for mass. I was finally starting to get the picture and feeling much less nervous!
Mass began and everyone sang! Everything was going well. Then, during the Offertory, I hear someone singing harmony! It was beautiful and I realized it was Father Dat, the visiting priest. Yet again, I was reminded that God is good.
All the way up to this evening, I thought I would be alone, standing out like a sore thumb up behind that lectern. That’s what I did wrong. I lost sight of the fact that nothing we do is “alone.” What I did right, was pray for strength and support. Don’t forget that He is the rock we should cling to…and with that in my heart, how can I keep from singing?
]]>During one segment, they were discussing something that really struck me. Lino and Jennifer were talking about how they don’t feel like they are “Catholic enough.” What does this even mean? Lino gave an example of how some families have a “Family Rosary” time, but he never grew up with that and Jennifer said something to the effect of “My children would be using their rosaries as weapons and having battles if we tried that!” I felt myself totally agreeing with them and sympathizing with their thoughts. I don’t say the rosary daily. I don’t stand over my kids to say their nightly prayers. Heck, I haven’t even been able to get my husband into a church to be baptized yet.
They went on to say as how this is all probably a part of Catholic guilt and this is where I had one of my driving ”A-ha!” moments. You know the kind. We all have those type of moments when we are driving, meditating, praying, running, exercising or even, in my case, showering, where all of a sudden you see something clearly out of nowhere and or have a brilliant idea about it. Well, I hope we all have those kinds of moments, anyway. However, back to my point, this isn’t about Catholic guilt, it’s all about the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality that we have all bought into.
It doesn’t matter if it’s being “Catholic enough” or if it’s beating up yourself because you aren’t skinny enough, not a super-mom, (you know the kind I’m talking about), not smart enough or whatever else we can find to beat ourselves up. So many of us have decided that other people do things better than we do and we just aren’t good enough or maybe just not as good as them.
My sister is a new mom to a beautiful 5-month-old girl and was just recently struggling with this very thing. New moms all over feel so much pressure to be perfect, to get their pre-baby shape back, to have the baby sleeping through the night by 6 weeks (2 months, 4 months…whatever), to cry it out, to co-sleep, to feed on demand, don’t breastfeed, do breastfeed exclusively, etc.
It’s time to stop this madness! Why do we put ourselves through this kind of torture on a daily basis? Why are we not able to just be confident with whom we are as a person and recognize that we all have our own path to walk? God loves us whether we pray a family rosary daily/ go to confession weekly/ go to daily mass or not. Like a loving parent, God would like us to love Him in the same way He loves us and to turn to Him daily in our need. However, HE recognizes that we will get there in time.
He calls us to make that time for Him daily, whether that is through a quick prayer of thanksgiving for a beautiful sunrise/set or going to daily mass. It is through spending time with Him that we create our own relationship with Him.
Every relationship is different, as well, just as each of us is different. While Lino goes to mass daily and confession weekly, he doesn’t have a great devotion to the rosary. That is his relationship with God. My relationship at this time is different that it was even five years ago. I now make sure that, even while on vacation, we attend Sunday mass. Five years ago, I was lucky to go once a month because I had a hard time handling both of my daughters on my own during mass. But He had plans for me because now I am considering getting my Masters Degree in Catechesis from Franciscan University of Steubenville!
My point is, love who you are, seek God in your own way and don’t judge yourself harshly. My favorite poem says it better than I ever could. I’ve italicized my favorite parts.
“Desiderata”
by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
Even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy you achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
Be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all it’s sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
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Her personal style and attitude just fit so well with the graffiti!
We even tried a little bit of parkour in honor of a co-worker. Yeah, we know it doesn’t do the sport justice! But it WAS fun to try.
Then I got introduced to the Water Wall. Oh. My. Goodness! Best portrait backdrop EVER! And get a load of the model, too!
Sometimes, being in the middle of all those buildings can make for some amazing light, too. Who needs a reflector when you have mirrored windows on the building behind you?
Thanks, Allisonella, for trusting me with your senior portraits!
Book your portrait session today!
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Yes, dad looks just like James Van Der Beek! But, no, it isn’t him. I might just pass out if I actually met Dawson!
Thank you, so much for asking me to be your family photographer!
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Three generations all in one picture. All started because these lovely two people fell in love, had 3 children who then had lovely children of their own.
Thank you so much for letting me be your photographer! Schedule your family session with me today.
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Look at how much she has grown up!
Contact me through the button above or below for your newborn portrait session!
]]>The party moved to Midnight Rodeo. I remember almost not being admitted by the bouncers because of how out of it I was. Somehow I still got in. After a while, I don’t know how long, I could barely stand up anymore. A “nice” guy, who was a friend of my friend, offered to take me home to my Dad’s apartment where I was visiting at the time. Before he took me there, he took me to his place where I passed out. I wok up (barely) with him on top of me as he asked me if it was all right what he was doing. I was barely conscious or aware of what was happening and passed back out. Early in the morning, when I woke, he drove me home, left me on the curb, and drove off. I don’t even remember his name.
I felt dirty. I felt ashamed of my behavior. I felt guilty for putting myself in that situation. I went inside, took a shower immediately but did not say anything about it to my Dad. We watched TV together the rest of the day. I put the night behind me…or so I thought.
A month later, my body began to change. I was an emotional wreck. I took my cousin to see Tarzan and bawled when Tarzan’s Gorilla mom found him (not my normal reaction at that time.) I missed my cycle. I began to fear I was pregnant. I called my Mom, told here what had happened. I had not said anything to anyone before this. She advised me to get a pregnancy test. I was pregnant. I was devastated. I was only months away from graduating (finally after 6 1/2 years.) I saw my world crumbling around me. I didn’t even have health insurance. I didn’t even have the Church to turn to at this time because although a “cradle Catholic,” I did not have a relationship with God. I had received my Confirmation in 6th Grade and after that no more religious instruction. I had stopped going to Mass sometime in my early college years. I did not feel I could raise a child and had no idea what to do. I was lost.
So I relied on the person I knew I could, my Mom. While a devout Catholic, she felt that a person who would rape someone would pass on their traits to the child and that that genetic trait should not be passed on to future generations. She advised me to have an abortion and offered to pay for it. So, I did the “easy” thing. I went home and we went to Planned Parenthood. They treated me like I was nobody. I had another pregnancy test and ultrasound to confirm (once again) that I was pregnant. They said I was 10 weeks pregnant. I told them that couldn’t be since I knew the exact date of my rape and it was only 8 weeks. I have learned since then that you count from the 1st day of your last period but no one took the time to explain that to me then. No one took the time to counsel me on alternatives. We set an appt for the next day.
It was the worst experience of my life. They gave me “laughing gas” to relax me but I was awake the whole time. I felt the moment that life was ripped from my womb. I realized too late that I made the wrong choice. I killed another human being.
I went home, curled into a numb ball of shame and stayed there for days. I went back to my last semester of school, but I was not the same person. My head trainer was also Catholic. He noticed I was having a hard time and invited me to attend Mass at his church. He knew where I needed to be even though I did not.
I went on to graduate and got a job in another city. I joined a church and the choir. I met wonderful people with whom I am still in contact today. Our priest was an amazing homilist and I slowly found my way back to the faith. But I still felt dirty. I felt fake among my friends. Finally, I sat down to confession with Msr. Don and told him everything. I was waiting for him to tell me that I was no longer welcome in the choir or church, that I was beyond saving and unworthy of forgiveness. It never came.
He took my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “Jesus loves you and forgives you.”
Those 7 words lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I, a person who had committed unspeakable sin, was forgiven! I walked lighter than I had in 2 years. I continued to attend Mass and sing and play in that choir until my boyfriend and I were back together and I moved to marry him.
Fast forward to when we were expecting our first child. At 14 weeks pregnant, I miscarried. I was again devastated. I had felt that God was giving me a second chance! We found out the baby had actually stopped growing at 10 weeks. It was too coincidental for me.
I was angry and confused. Why would God give me this second chance just to rip it away? Was he punishing me? Was he showing me how he felt? I didn’t feel forgiven anymore. In my grief, I projected my lack of forgiving myself, onto God. I still felt guilty for going out to party. I felt at fault for not stopping the guy. I felt unworthy of being loved. How do you love someone you don’t feel is worthy of love, especially when it is yourself? It was my own choices that caused me pain, not someone else. This feeling of unworthiness has haunted me through my relationship with my husband, my children, my friends and co-workers. I constantly second guess everything that has to do with social interaction. Do people really like me? Would they like me if they knew my secret?
It wasn’t until last year when attending an A.C.T.S. retreat, that I was able to work through my pain and forgive myself and allow myself to feel God’s forgiveness, as well. After a session, I went outside to pray. I have always felt closer to God in nature. As I stood outside and listened to the waterfall and the geese and watched a dragonfly with a broken wing struggle in the water, I asked God, “What am I supposed to do? I’m lost, I don’t know how to go on. What do I do?” All of a sudden, a gust of wind blew over me. I closed my eyes and heard a whisper, “Let go.” I asked again, “How?” A stronger gust blew over me and I heard it louder, “Let go.” Can it be that simple? God forgave me years ago. I had put myself above God by holding on to the pain and refusing to forgive myself. It was time to finally let go of that pain.
I now have 2 beautiful daughters and I know my husband loves me. But I also know that I should have a 14 year old child or at least a 14 year old child out there being loved by someone. Not a day goes by that I am reminded that my choice was the wrong one.
I have been feeling more and more that I cannot keep my story to myself. God has been calling me to use my pain and experience to help those who are struggling with making the same choice I did. I have learned that if I am standing by and saying I am pro-life but I agree that others can be pro -choice, I am allowing myself to be a part of that choice by default. If I can help persuade other women and men to make better choices, to party responsibly, to save themselves for the sacrament of marriage, to choose adoption through sharing my story, then I can be silent no more.
Blessings by Laura Story is a song that helps me through the rough patches. (I tried to embed but didn’t work.
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The first reading was from Isaiah 8:23 – 9:3:
23 For is not everything dark as night for a country in distress? As the past humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, so the future will glorify the Way of the Sea, beyond the Jordan, the territory of the nations.
1 The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light; on the inhabitants of a country in shadow dark as death light has blazed forth.
2 You have enlarged the nation, you have increased its joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at harvest time, as they exult when they are dividing the spoils.
3 For the yoke that weighed on it, the bar across its shoulders, the rod of its oppressor, these you have broken as on the day of Midian.
The second reading was from I Corinthians 1:10-13, 17:
10 Brothers, I urge you, in the name of our LordJesus Christ, not to have factions among yourselves but all to be in agreement in what you profess; so that you are perfectly united in your beliefs and judgements.
11 From what Chloe’s people have been telling me about you, brothers, it is clear that there are serious differences among you.
12 What I mean is this: every one of you is declaring, ‘I belong to Paul,’ or ‘I belong to Apollos,’ or ‘I belong to Cephas,’ or ‘I belong to Christ.’
13 Has Christ been split up? Was it Paul that was crucified for you, or was it in Paul’s name that you were baptised?
17 After all, Christ sent me not to baptise, but to preach the gospel; and not by means of wisdom of language, wise words which would make the cross of Christ pointless.
The Gospel reading was Matthew 4:12-23:
12 Hearing that John had been arrested he withdrew to Galilee,
13 and leaving Nazara he went and settled in Capernaum, beside the lake, on the borders of Zebulun and Naphtali.
14 This was to fulfil what was spoken by the prophet Isaiah:
15 Land of Zebulun! Land of Naphtali! Way of the sea beyond Jordan. Galilee of the nations!
16 The people that lived in darkness have seen a great light; on those who lived in a country of shadow dark as death a light has dawned.
17 From then onwards Jesus began his proclamation with the message, ‘Repent, for the kingdom ofHeaven is close at hand.’
18 As he was walking by the Lake of Galilee he saw two brothers, Simon, who was called Peter, and his brother Andrew; they were making a cast into the lake with their net, for they were fishermen.
19 And he said to them, ‘Come after me and I will make you fishers of people.’
20 And at once they left their nets and followed him.
21 Going on from there he saw another pair of brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John; they were in their boat with their father Zebedee, mending their nets, and he called them.
22 And at once, leaving the boat and their father, they followed him.
23 He went round the whole of Galilee teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom and curing all kinds of disease and illness among the people.
Deacon Ries started his homily by pointing out that the gospel reading begins with announcing the end of John the Baptist’s ministry and the beginning of Jesus’ mission. The gospel directly points to the first reading (the Old Testament). Jesus went to the land of Galilee, the land of the Gentiles, to fulfill Isaiah’s prophecy. Jesus continued John’s message of “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!” but he added the message of “Follow Me!” Matthew’s gospel describes how Jesus asked the disciples to throw down their nets and become “Fishers of men.” They must have seen something really special in him to just drop everything and do just that. This simple invitation is still extended to each of us today.
The thing is, it isn’t always the easiest thing for us, 2000 years down the road, to follow where He leads. We worry about the consequences of walking His path in our current culture. We suffer ridicule for our faith. We sometimes doubt. The disciples had all those same feelings and some even died because of their choice to follow Jesus. It is easy to find reasons to avoid His call. It is easier to stay in the security of the life we know rather than take a step onto the path of faith and not know where it may lead. As Deacon Ries said, “Knowing the message of Jesus is one thing. Living it is quite another thing.” A prime example of someone taking a step on that path of faith is singer, Natalie Grant. She took a stand for her faith when she walked out of the Grammy’s Monday night. We must make the choice every day to be “unwavering in our Christian virtues and our morals.” We must maintain integrity in our faith. If everyone around us is doing something immoral, we must have the fortitude to do what is right. Remember what your mom said, “If everyone were jumping off a cliff….”
Not only are we called to follow Jesus and walk His path, we are called to “be a light in the darkness” and “fishers of men.” We are called to spread His word. This doesn’t always mean that we need to preach to others. Sometimes a small gesture, a kind word or a silent prayer can change someone’s day. Maybe it’s just that you lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. This is where Fr. Steve’s homily took me. Fr. Steve told us about a boy in one of his classes that has taught him more about evangelizing than he has learned in his 30 years as a priest! This boy, you see, loves fishing. He knows everything there is to know about fishing…lures, rods, etc. While talking to this boy, Fr. Steve has drawn a parallel between fishing for fish and fishing for men. He said that it was no coincidence that Jesus chose fisherman as disciples.
Fr. Steve said that there are 5 basic rules for fishing. Rule #1: You must go where the fish are. Well, that’s kind of a no brainer, right? You can’t catch anything if there isn’t anything there. Go where there are people in need: the hungry, poor, defenseless…that is a good place to start. Rule #2: Use the right equipment. In fishing for fish, that means the right type of rod and reel, the right lure, etc. In fishing for men, we have been given the perfect equipment…The Gospel. Rule #3: Use the right bait. What better bait than our faith shining forth in our actions? Our faith makes us attractive all on it’s own. There is no need to browbeat someone into believing. Rule #4 is the hardest…Be patient! You can’t change someone. Only they can choose to change. Each of us makes our own choice to follow. Rule #5: If all else fails, return to rule #1.
Jesus asks us to “Repent, change your lives, and come, follow me. Be my light in the darkness.”
Are you ready to heed the call?
**Remember, I do not pretend to know everything. These Sunday Messages are just my take on what I heard in mass this past Sunday. We are all on a journey. Some of you may be on a different journey than mine. I will respect your point of view as long as you respect mine.**
]]>In mass today, we heard the priest say, “My wife and I…” Yes, you read that right! We had the privilege of having a priest from the Personal Ordinariate of the Chair of St. Peter. This is a small but growing order of priests who have come to the Catholic church from the Anglican church. I was unaware of this order and am really happy to see the door is open for Anglican priests to come into the Catholic priesthood and retain their marital vows. Fr. Steve has been a Catholic priest for only 6 months however he was an Anglican priest for 25 years! He had a wonderful story about some students who were planning a road trip for Spring Break. They had everything planned out: how much food they needed, what to take with them, etc. However, when he asked them what route they were taking to get there, they had no idea. They had a place to go, a way to get there, but no idea how they were going to get there. Sound familiar?
Every year, millions of people make New Year’s resolutions. “I’m going to be healthier.” “I’m going to lose weight.” “I’m going to be a better Catholic.” “I’m going to be nicer to people.” and many many more. As Fr. Steve pointed out, how many gyms are packed the first week of January and by February 1st are back to normal?! What is the key to keeping those resolutions? Fr. Steve put forth that it is in the planning. If you want to change how you eat, plan out exactly how you will accomplish the change. If you are intent on learning more about your faith, make a plan for what steps you will take. Then, of course, stick to that plan!
So you may ask what my resolutions are this year. I’ve never been one for making them. I’ve never kept to them and all the hype about the New Year has never caught me up. In my mind, it is just another new day. One of my favorite heroines once said, “Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” I try hard to to stick to that thought.
What goals did you set for yourself this year? Have you made a plan to stick to that goal?
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